The Braderie - Are you the passive type of man who, despite your best intentions, lets others walk all over you? If your friends and colleagues view you as the peacemaker, the one who won't rock the boat or the man who never says "no," maybe it's time to change.
Think about how you routinely react when you're cut in front of in a line, or if someone walks up behind you and orders a drink after you've been waiting patiently to get the bartender's attention. You might say such things don't bother you, but maybe that's just to save face. And these frustrations, no matter how petty they may seem, may be affecting your health more than you know.
Suppose that, every year, it falls on your shoulders to organize the playoff pool. On the surface, it's a small thing, but you may start to resent it if it makes you feel like you're allowing others to take advantage of you. And what about your career? Business leaders can empathize and seek collaboration and teamwork, but ultimately must take responsibility and make decisions for themselves. Stop wavering and take charge.
It's great to be perceived as a nice guy, but if achieving that image comes at the expense of your self-confidence, physical health, career goals, and the success of your interpersonal relationships, you need an injection of backbone. By our actions, we teach people how to treat us. You can adjust your behavior and change their attitudes toward you. Here are some tips to avoid being a pushover.
know your goals
Maybe you know that you don't like being pushed around, but have become so accustomed to it that you're not sure what you should be striving for. Developing a more assertive attitude should allow you to do the following: Take back control of your rights and stop being walked all over.
Regain respect and stop allowing people to take advantage of you.
Change people's perception of you from weak to assertive.
Increase your self-confidence and sense of pride.
assert yourself
Now you know your goals; it's time to set about accomplishing them. Seven simple steps can take you from being a guy who gets walked all over to one who stands his ground.
1- Express yourself
Listen to your instincts. When something bothers you or you feel you've been wronged, it's best to speak up right away. This might take some practice. If you miss your chance on the spot, plan your strategy to bring up the issue privately later.
Ask for a meeting with your colleague and explain how you feel about short deadlines with no advance notice. Tell your girlfriend you didn't like her regaling everyone at the dinner table with details about your sex life. You need to speak up. Discuss these issues calmly, without accusations, and you will reduce your own tension and gradually change how others perceive and treat you.
2- Stop being agreeable
No matter how hard you try, you can't please everyone all the time. When your thoughtfulness and reluctance to hurt other people's feelings start to impact your own well-being, it's time to start looking out for No. 1.
If your girlfriend picks fights over ridiculous issues and your response is to avoid confrontation by apologizing and saying she's right, maybe she's just as sick of your attitude as you should be. In fact, maybe she persists in her nitpicking because she's trying to force you to take a stand on something — anything! Stand up for yourself, express your opinions and say "no" once in a while. If the relationship is worth saving, she'll respect you much more for your confidence than for being a wimp.
You needn't be assertive all the time...
3- Pick your battles
Don't practice your newfound assertiveness in a situation involving a crazed driver, or you might become a road rage victim. In the same vein, think twice before emphatically saying "no" to your boss. It might be career suicide. Use caution around people who might be mentally unstable. In routine matters, though, stop avoiding confrontations just because you're afraid of others' reactions. If your wife keeps taking the sports car and you're always stuck with the minivan, speak up and work out a compromise. Keep small irritants from needlessly escalating into explosive arguments.
4- Start small
It might be easier to practice your assertiveness with a stranger, as friends and family have come to expect a certain non-confrontational, meek, wishy- washy brand of behavior from you. Overcome your reluctance to put your needs first in less familiar situations. If your doctor prescribes a suspiciously large myriad of medical tests, ask if they are really necessary. Don't placidly accept a diagnosis without fully understanding it, or you'll find yourself getting stressed about the worst-case scenario. Stop avoiding that panhandler near your building because you resent all the money you've given him. Just look him in the eye, wish him a nice day and don't feel guilty about your decision to stop supporting him.
5- Be firm
In your confrontations, you always want to maintain a balanced reaction, subdued yet steady. Clearly state what you want, need and expect. You don't want to come off looking like a psycho. You're establishing a new behavior pattern here, so people will be caught off-guard. If they try to cajole you and insist that you're a pushover, don't fall for emotional blackmail. If your roommate has friends over so often that you feel like a visitor in your own place, stand your ground. Tell him you feel like you're back in college finding the sock on the doorknob. If you don't express yourself, you cannot expect others to change how they relate to you.
6- Be persistent and resilient
Abandoning your formerly soft self won't be accomplished overnight; you must constantly remind yourself to do these things in order to effectively change your ways. People in your entourage will likely notice that you're suddenly acting differently. After all, although you've been thinking certain things for a long time, you've never voiced them. Don't let their confused reactions dissuade you from your goals. Your girlfriend is chronically late and you've long resented being made to wait. She needs to understand that you expect her to respect your time and honor her commitments. Remember, in addition to changing yourself, you're retraining other people on how to relate to you. It won't always be easy, but if you focus on the benefits to your emotional and physical health, you'll see that it's worth it.
7- Change your surroundings
As a last resort, change your circle of friends, end an unhealthy relationship or find a new job. If you can't get the respect you deserve from someone because they persist in viewing you as a weakling, it's a relationship not worth pursuing. When you meet new people, set the precedent from the beginning. Now that you're conscious of the difference between being easygoing and being walked all over, you can establish healthier interpersonal relationships.
mr. nice guy — within reason
If you keep accepting being pushed over, no one will ever take you seriously. You can still be a thoughtful partner, a caring relative, an interested friend, an enthusiastic participant, a dependable employee, and generally an all-around great guy. Just remember that you deserve to feel appreciated, not used. Change for the better by becoming more assertive. You'll be miserable if you don't. With some practice, you'll soon find that you're less tense when expressing your feelings and more confident in your business and personal relationships. Don't be surprised if people start looking at you differently, with increased respect and admiration, when you stop being a pushover.
Think about how you routinely react when you're cut in front of in a line, or if someone walks up behind you and orders a drink after you've been waiting patiently to get the bartender's attention. You might say such things don't bother you, but maybe that's just to save face. And these frustrations, no matter how petty they may seem, may be affecting your health more than you know.
Suppose that, every year, it falls on your shoulders to organize the playoff pool. On the surface, it's a small thing, but you may start to resent it if it makes you feel like you're allowing others to take advantage of you. And what about your career? Business leaders can empathize and seek collaboration and teamwork, but ultimately must take responsibility and make decisions for themselves. Stop wavering and take charge.
It's great to be perceived as a nice guy, but if achieving that image comes at the expense of your self-confidence, physical health, career goals, and the success of your interpersonal relationships, you need an injection of backbone. By our actions, we teach people how to treat us. You can adjust your behavior and change their attitudes toward you. Here are some tips to avoid being a pushover.
know your goals
Maybe you know that you don't like being pushed around, but have become so accustomed to it that you're not sure what you should be striving for. Developing a more assertive attitude should allow you to do the following: Take back control of your rights and stop being walked all over.
Regain respect and stop allowing people to take advantage of you.
Change people's perception of you from weak to assertive.
Increase your self-confidence and sense of pride.
assert yourself
Now you know your goals; it's time to set about accomplishing them. Seven simple steps can take you from being a guy who gets walked all over to one who stands his ground.
1- Express yourself
Listen to your instincts. When something bothers you or you feel you've been wronged, it's best to speak up right away. This might take some practice. If you miss your chance on the spot, plan your strategy to bring up the issue privately later.
Ask for a meeting with your colleague and explain how you feel about short deadlines with no advance notice. Tell your girlfriend you didn't like her regaling everyone at the dinner table with details about your sex life. You need to speak up. Discuss these issues calmly, without accusations, and you will reduce your own tension and gradually change how others perceive and treat you.
2- Stop being agreeable
No matter how hard you try, you can't please everyone all the time. When your thoughtfulness and reluctance to hurt other people's feelings start to impact your own well-being, it's time to start looking out for No. 1.
If your girlfriend picks fights over ridiculous issues and your response is to avoid confrontation by apologizing and saying she's right, maybe she's just as sick of your attitude as you should be. In fact, maybe she persists in her nitpicking because she's trying to force you to take a stand on something — anything! Stand up for yourself, express your opinions and say "no" once in a while. If the relationship is worth saving, she'll respect you much more for your confidence than for being a wimp.
You needn't be assertive all the time...
3- Pick your battles
Don't practice your newfound assertiveness in a situation involving a crazed driver, or you might become a road rage victim. In the same vein, think twice before emphatically saying "no" to your boss. It might be career suicide. Use caution around people who might be mentally unstable. In routine matters, though, stop avoiding confrontations just because you're afraid of others' reactions. If your wife keeps taking the sports car and you're always stuck with the minivan, speak up and work out a compromise. Keep small irritants from needlessly escalating into explosive arguments.
4- Start small
It might be easier to practice your assertiveness with a stranger, as friends and family have come to expect a certain non-confrontational, meek, wishy- washy brand of behavior from you. Overcome your reluctance to put your needs first in less familiar situations. If your doctor prescribes a suspiciously large myriad of medical tests, ask if they are really necessary. Don't placidly accept a diagnosis without fully understanding it, or you'll find yourself getting stressed about the worst-case scenario. Stop avoiding that panhandler near your building because you resent all the money you've given him. Just look him in the eye, wish him a nice day and don't feel guilty about your decision to stop supporting him.
5- Be firm
In your confrontations, you always want to maintain a balanced reaction, subdued yet steady. Clearly state what you want, need and expect. You don't want to come off looking like a psycho. You're establishing a new behavior pattern here, so people will be caught off-guard. If they try to cajole you and insist that you're a pushover, don't fall for emotional blackmail. If your roommate has friends over so often that you feel like a visitor in your own place, stand your ground. Tell him you feel like you're back in college finding the sock on the doorknob. If you don't express yourself, you cannot expect others to change how they relate to you.
6- Be persistent and resilient
Abandoning your formerly soft self won't be accomplished overnight; you must constantly remind yourself to do these things in order to effectively change your ways. People in your entourage will likely notice that you're suddenly acting differently. After all, although you've been thinking certain things for a long time, you've never voiced them. Don't let their confused reactions dissuade you from your goals. Your girlfriend is chronically late and you've long resented being made to wait. She needs to understand that you expect her to respect your time and honor her commitments. Remember, in addition to changing yourself, you're retraining other people on how to relate to you. It won't always be easy, but if you focus on the benefits to your emotional and physical health, you'll see that it's worth it.
7- Change your surroundings
As a last resort, change your circle of friends, end an unhealthy relationship or find a new job. If you can't get the respect you deserve from someone because they persist in viewing you as a weakling, it's a relationship not worth pursuing. When you meet new people, set the precedent from the beginning. Now that you're conscious of the difference between being easygoing and being walked all over, you can establish healthier interpersonal relationships.
mr. nice guy — within reason
If you keep accepting being pushed over, no one will ever take you seriously. You can still be a thoughtful partner, a caring relative, an interested friend, an enthusiastic participant, a dependable employee, and generally an all-around great guy. Just remember that you deserve to feel appreciated, not used. Change for the better by becoming more assertive. You'll be miserable if you don't. With some practice, you'll soon find that you're less tense when expressing your feelings and more confident in your business and personal relationships. Don't be surprised if people start looking at you differently, with increased respect and admiration, when you stop being a pushover.
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